2013 NFC North preview from a polluted mind

Oh yes, football season is here and there’s nothing better than spewing some prognostications on the super sexy, black and blue division of the NFC North. One of the great benefits of living in the Midwest is no one really gives a rat’s ass what we have to say. I could thoroughly believe with all my bones that Christian Ponder is going to throw numerous spirals on target paired with Adrian Peterson’s 3,000 rushing yards and The Minnesota “Bi-Queens” are going to steal the division title. (No chance!) If I lived on one of the coasts the natives of these oceanic villas would pigeon-hole me as a “Kansas Square” and dismiss my obvious ignorance. I am filled with great pride to represent the NFC North, blow mind nuggets from Iowa and find exotic dialogue for dirty match-ups like Minnesota vs. Cleveland. If my insights are as misguided as Sharpova hiring Jimmy Connors, firing him after one tournament, sweet…no flesh of my frame. I can simply hide behind my cornstalks, sulk in my soybeans and everyone would have expected nothing different. What a gig…what a gig…

Each and every week I will being providing some high grade polluted thoughts on what is going on in the land of…land of…land of something tangible? Ecologically speaking…you know were fertile! Now, it’s my job to dress the NFC North in Prada not overhauls, Fedoras not salty, weathered baseball caps and entertain you with poignant insights on the likes of the ever engaging personalities such as Leslie Frasier, Jay Cutler and anyone on Detroit not named Johnson, Stafford, Suh or may the “Schwartz” be with you. My launch begins with a preview of what’s to come for 2013/14. In addition, all season long I will be making my predictions for the week, like a man, against the spread! Each column will be finished with some random notes of ill-refute. There is nothing like a finishing dose of controversial non-sense to make you chuckle before departing my warped/bent reality tunnel. No time to waste…time to do my best Barry White, “Let’s get it on…”

CHICAGO BEARS

Jay Cutler“Yesterday is yesterday.” This is the new mantra of the 2013 Bears. Live in the moment with a focus on the future and not new head coach Marc Trestman’s bad haircut. Marc, Marc…you do not live in Montreal anymore. You are no longer allowed to let your mother cut your hair even if the French find it “magnifique!”  You are back in the states find a Cost Cutter’s or something brother. And he is a brother, my favorite team since childhood has been the Bears. Insert jokes now just don’t touch Walter or Butkus. I promise to be as non-bias as possible throughout my coverage this year. At certain times I’m sure I’ll slip like a dry alcoholic but I also believe that my sarcastic flare will punish the Bears harder than any other team in the division. That’s what we self-deprecating Bears fans do! So, let’s start with Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. Enough already…stop hogging the ball like school children and spread the wealth! Anyone remember Matt Forte’s first two years in the league? Where is he now? I do expect a reemergence with Trestman using him as a receiver out of the backfield more often. Something Mike Tice could not wrap his head around? Damn, I miss the days when Tice was the head coach of the Vikings.

The largest question looming for the 2013 “Chidawgdoo” Bears is the offense-obviously. Is Trestman a yogi for pouty quarterbacks? Can the line have two rookies on the right side of the line and keep Mr. Sourpuss upright? If so, will Jay get over his man crush on Mr. Marshall and make others successful and happy? Can they find a way to get rookie Michael Ford involved without damaging some egos? (See Devon Hester-Special Teams) Many questions my friends…many questions?

The defense will be what they know themselves to be-tenacious. My only concerns, here, rest with the new inside linebackers, an average nose tackle and will The Bears be able to stop the inside run? Barring injury (redundant!) everything else looks nails! The drafting of Bostic out of Florida looked pretty damn sharp in the pre-season. He and ex-Donkey DJ Williams will both see time at ILB while Lance Briggs will be the captain-rightfully so. The Bears have displayed strong special teams for years under the last guy (Where are you Lovie!?!)  I do not expect anything different this year. Hester may still have some life in his step now that he is no longer allowed to run wrong routes and drop balls from Jay, Robbie Gould is the best PK in Bear’s history while the coverage guys are nearly always flawless. (Envious Detroit?) So here is what I see…

Offense- C        Too many what if factors to award better.

Defense- A-     The Nick Cannon to Mariah Carey (real talent rests with the men!)

Special Teams- B  This outfit should win the Bears a game or two.

The Wise Guys line: Bears 9 wins this year

My prediction: Push, 9 wins, doubtful playoff appearance.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

Casey HaywardOh those darling little Packers. The Midwestern sweethearts, playing in a hockey hemisphere that has no hockey… A quaint town that is running out of street names because anyone who plays in Green Bay for longer than five years should have a street named after him, so say the locals. How nostalgic, awe…..

The Pack has won the division the last two seasons thanks to a guy who sells insurance and thinks he’s a pro wrestler. I do not see a three-peat. I’m not buying the Lacey addition as a resource to improve its beleaguered running game. The offensive line is worse than the Bears, losing Brian Beluga is a big screaming-ouch!! Kenny Rogers, gunslinger has been sacked more times than Lindsey Lohan on Ecstasy. This year will probably be no different. A defense that struggles to stop innovative offensive schemes despite a strong linebacker corps led by “Fabio” look-alikes, a highly suspect kicking game, a curse when ole man winter starts spitting his annual bad breath in November and an absolutely brutal schedule will dethrone the kings of their recent majestic heights. The “Cheezers” begin the year with SF, The Washington Great Buffalo Spirits and the Bengals. They will begin 0-3 thus climbing uphill for the entire season. Yes, they are fairly deep at the skilled positions however I do not see this as enough to save them.

Offense-  C+     O-Line giving time for their skills to materialize-questionable.

Defense-  B-     If Shields or Jennings goes down, big issues.

Special Teams-  C-  Barely NFL Grade

Wise Guys Line: 9.5 wins

My Prediction: 9-7 Playoffs perhaps as a wild card…

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Adrian PetersonThe best thing about Christian Ponder is his wife. Yes, somehow/someway teams will keep Peterson out of the end zone despite the fact he will rush for 1,800 yards. One of the best prop bets on the board! If you take the beast “AP” to rush for in-between 17,500 to 2,006 yards the wise guys will pay you 3.2 to 1 on your wager. Take him to town boys and girls as this will be the only highlight of a wretched season for the “Bi-Queens”. The Vikes have a very solid front seven but the secondary will get lit up. Name me one guy back there that chases the likes of Vernon Davis, Brandon Marshall or Victor Cruz with proficiency? Yeah, exactly my point! Minnesota’s (the land of 10,000 ponds) special team specialists are more anonymous than their secondary. A high praise has come out of camp for the rookie kicker Walsh but who the hell as heard of the likes of Jeff Locke, Marcus Sherels or Cordarelle (corduroy) Patterson? Leslie (Am I really the head coach) Frasier will be on the hot seat after a less than stellar season with the game’s best running back. The  ’Sotans  of Sadness in the prime of their season travel to the Giants, face the Packers, @ The Cowboys, come home to lose to the Great Buffalo Spirits, lose back to back at home facing the Seahawks and then go to Lambeau to face the Pack again. Season sunk, Vikings ship starts making odd gurgling sounds…That large horn they trumpet sounds like a wet fart in that lousy dome of theirs. Please keep the ceiling from falling this year boys!

 

Offense-  C-  Only thing preventing a D is “AP”

Defense-  B   The front seven will stop the run.

Special Teams- D   Who Again??

Wise Guys Line-  6.5 wins

My Prediction-  5-11

DETROIT LIONS

Joe+Haden+Detroit+Lions+v+Cleveland+Browns+LoxWCqYilThlIf the ego-maniacal “Power of the Schwartz” stays out of the way from ill-fitted temper tantrums, over aggressive play calling and looking in his rear view mirror with a high state of paranoia…The Detroit Lions will be winners of the division causing Kid Rock to go on a two week long bender with his buddy John Daly up until the kick-off of the Lion’s first playoff game since the Scott Mitchell era. Reggie Bush will not put up Pro Bowl numbers but he will help the ground game in addition to being a nice check down receiver when Charles Johnson is quadrupled covered. Nate Burleson and David Akers maybe new AARP members but they will find a way to put some points on the board. As the “KISS ZIONS” (Oh wait, that’s the new LA Arena Football Team) maybe thin at wide receiver, their tight-end depth is some of the best in the league. A rather unheralded line should do, the defensive line is flat out psychotic dangerous, a supposedly (?) improved secondary and a young but speedy linebacker corps is set to be one of the league’s rebound from mediocrity stories of the year. If not, someone is going to piss on the quartz and the “Power of the Schwartz” will be someone’s assistant coach next year. This is a sleeper team that could bite some teams in some serious you know what or implode and take a nap for yet another year. I believe in the latter over the former.

 

Offense-  B+   As long as there is no Shaun Hill in the Lions future.

Defense-  A-   Only opposing speedy QBs/RBs will have a chance to do damage

Special Teams-  D  A glaring weak link unless Akers regains form

Wise Guys Line:  8.5 wins

My Prediction:   10-6 Division Champions

Random Notes- The ole’ Norris Division will be a dogfight. I am just one of many ***holes whom are probably far from the truth but it will be bloody entertaining, figuratively and literally…I am not a fan of Roger(corporate scumbag) Goodall so, we will have some fun with this in the future… a name to watch for is Lion’s rookie Michael Spurlock-blazing speed…I wish “The Power of da Schwartz” would have cut Akers and kept “kickaliscious”…Over/Under on Cutler on air smiles this season-4…Christian Ponder will punch some drunk in the face for hitting on his wife…Overheard from the nosebleed new additions on the Lambeau end zone, “I waited 30 years for this friggin’ seat?”…Peace Y’All…

Week One

Bengals over Chicago on the money line +140

Minnesota +6 -120 yet the Lions win the game

Take SF 49er’s in 1st half line -3 for -115…the rest I have not a clue?

William Segerstrom is an NFL writer for TPF and can be contacted at WSegerstrom@ThePenaltyFlagBlog.com

11 thoughts on “2013 NFC North preview from a polluted mind”

  1. Your dreaming if you think the Vikes only win 5 games, pretty sure I remember quite a few people guessing they would be last place in their division last year, hmmm that turned out to be slightly off. Also a D for special teams? Our kicker made the pro bowl as a rookie last year, we have two good returners in Patterson and Sherels, and a rookie punter who looked pretty darn good in the preseason.

  2. I’m sure you also had the Vikings finishing last in the division last year as well. So, I’m going to check your football IQ at the end of the season to see if you screwed this up again. The Lions better win the season opener, this makes or breaks their season, their trend is to struggle against NFC North division rivalries. You failed to account for the improvements that were made to a team that went 10-6 and closed the regular season on a 4-0 tear in playoff like circumstances. They did this without Percy Harvin or any semblance of WR corp. This year they have an improved young QB, an improved WR corp, an improved TE set, and an improved Offensive line. Why all this optimism. Well, its simple, except for WR, these positions have another yer of experience and confidence in their storehouse. They picked an elite WR in Jennings and picked up the top WR in the draft in Patterson. Jarius Wright will be faster, stronger and more confident in his 2nd season and Jerome Simpson is healthy and has that bounce back. Joe Webb offers them serious athleticism and red-zone capabilities/. He is also a big, strong blocker on offense and special teams. On defense, they are better at DL with the addition of Sharif Floyd, they are better at LB with the addition of Bishop, Hodges and Mauti. They are bigger, athletic, and more physical at CB with the addition of Xavier Rhodes and the development of Josh Robinson his 4.29 40 and 40″ vertical. And, with the emergence of Harrison Smith and hard-hitting TO machine J Sanford, opposing teams windows are beginning to close. So, be on alert my friend, if the Vikings take their 1st 2 games, they probably win the division should they stay intact. If they can win one of the 2, they compete for the division, because they are closing ground on the Pack and they are closing with the THUNDA!

    1. Ekolu Osorio,
      I couldn’t have said it better myself partner! Vikings are going to turn some heads this season just as Adrian Peterson did last season. That team is better than the so called prognosticators give them credit for because of Christian Ponder. They don’t realize with Adrian Peterson, Ponder only has to be efficient at directing the offense and limit mistakes for the Vikings to win against anyone!

  3. Your writing is atrocious, your bias is obvious, and your football knowledge is completely lacking every aspect. If you are getting paid to write this garbage, then your boss is getting ripped off. You should do fashion writing instead.

  4. The Vikings at only 5-11 coming off a 10-6 season and with their additions in the offseason? I don’t want to hear but they lost Percy Harvin and Antwan Winfield! Percy Harvin was non-factor after the 6th game last season and the 36 year old Winfield couldn’t make the Seattle roster! Don’t bet against Adrian Peterson and those Vikings like everyone did last season, you’ll lose again!!! That Vikings team beat some good teams like San Francisco, Green Bay, Houston, Chicago and Detoilet not once but twice!!
    Also Detoilet winning the division? My God dude what are you smoking in your office, must be some good stuff? I’ll tell you the order in the NFC North this season, it’s the same order as last season. #1-Green Bay, #2- Minnesota, #3- Chicago and Detoilet fourth as usual!

  5. Ponder is a worthless piece of shit! A wasted draft pick with the weakest arm in the NFL. Ponder couldn’t throw deep if his wife’s reputation depended upon it! He’s worse than Jim Delgazo!!! He makes Gary Cuozzo look like Johnny Unitas!!! The only chance the Queens have is if Ponder gets injured and out for the season in game 1, Cassel goes down in game 2, and the Queens are forced to use the man with the million- dollar arm, the future hall- of- famer, McLeod Bethel- Thompson!!!

  6. Did I just read correctly ??? Lions to win division ??? Either writer needs to be urine tested immediately or has no knowledge of organized sports.
    Stafford is one hit away from forced retirement, Avrill’s gone, another colossal draft bust, defense can’t stop a stiff breeze.
    Which division is this guy talking about.
    Prediction:
    Stafford looses arm wrestling match with first down marker guy; shoulder strain. Out for season
    4-12

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